Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Trick or Traitor, Smell the Haters, Wanking like Chronic Masturbators!

Halloween has always been my favorite holiday.  I remember being mildly scolded in kindergarten when I kept fingerpainting halloween scenes well in to other holidays.  Picture a fat, smiling, badly painted Santa in his sleigh, flying over a pumpkin patch full of Jack O'Lanterns, and some bats in the sky behind...good times.  But this year, I'm all growed up and Halloween is on not just a weekday-workday, but a boring-ass Wednesday, so I'm not going to do much of anything special.  I'll probably drink a few beers, strum a little guitar, pet the dog, and try to think up new and exciting topics to blog about. 
   But I did have one little idea today, and I wish that I had thought of it weeks ago, when I would have had time to work on it.
  I want to dress up as Zombie Obama and trick-or-treat anyone with crazy anti-Obama signs in their yard.  Not just your day-to-day republicans with Romney/Ryan, I mean the real winners, and there are plenty of them.  The best one I've seen is one guy a few blocks from my workplace with all kinds of nuttiness going on...several hand-made signs all over his yard.  "Don't Help Obama Destroy America", "Don't Let CommieBama Steal Your Freedom", "Vote the Traitor Out!", and all that crap.  He's had at least half a dozen or so over the last few weeks, all with about the same level of genius involved.  Wait...sorry, I meant "jeenyus".  My favorite one was a big, hand-drawn checklist with "Obama is a" at the top, and the words "Leader", "Patriot", "Citizen", all unchecked, and at the bottom "Failure" with the only check mark.   Yup, a "Real American Patriot".  Or maybe I meant "Real American Idiot".  Or "Dipshit".  They all kind of rhyme, and I'm a little tired.  Whichever, you pick. 
Anyway, I 'd love to show up at his door looking like this: 
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH....I'M GOING TO EAT YOUR BRAINS AND YOUR FREEDOMS!   Oh damn, no brains left...I guess I'll have to settle for freedoms.  The little kids always get all the good stuff before it's even dark out!  You got any mini-Snickers left?
As far as my favorite holiday goes, I'm keeping it mellow this year.  The fun bit of playful scaryness that Halloween is supposed to be, the flirting with fear and playing bogeyman to shock the faint-hearted (or at least get them to see how silly such fears are), has already been squeezed dry.  Between the last four years of general ugly idiocy, and the Hategasm build-up of the election season, it's kind of killed the holiday for me this time around.  Watching the antics of republicans for the last year has been like watching a never-ending reel of necrophilia porn, like watching brain-dead zombies grudge-fuck each other until they fall apart at the joints.  Between all of the idiotic right-wing nutjob political conspiracy theories, the creeping paranoia becoming so disturbingly commonplace over the last four years, and all the insane zealotry and witch-hunt demonization of all things not 100% Right and White, it feels like I'm already in a horror movie.  A badly written, plotless, and annoyingly long horror movie that had already lost all plausibility before it even began, but a horror movie none the less.  The monster is evil and must be brought down before he destroys us all!  The mob of illiterate and gullible townsfolk has been panicked into a righteous fury, and now SOMEONE'S GOTTA BURN!!! 
*YAWN*  Seen it already, and it sucked.
Oh well.  Happy Halloween anyway, everybody.  Next year, Halloween is on a Thursday....hmmm, Slo Farmer's Market might be fun!  And the year after that it's on a Friday, even better!  Maybe next year, after the pus-filled pimple of politics has either burst or at least shrank back down to an ugly little red spot, I can get back to having a little fun.  In the meantime, I hope the morons of the Kenyan Kommie-hating Kult enjoy the Bogeyman of their fevered imaginations while they put on their Two Minutes Hate Election Pageant for the rest of us to watch.  They're so far down the rabbit hole that they've made it all the way up their own assholes, and they're making the candy-hoarding kids in costumes seem mature and respectable by comparison.  So it goes.